a whatever life (JJ)

[Megan Julia Del Rossi]

A hospital. Again. Megan seriously hated hospitals. She was NOT suppose to end up here. She was suppose to end up dead. But no, Natasha had to intervene. Why Natasha even liked her, Megan would never know. Megan just wanted all of this to go away. She wanted it to end, to finally be over. But her pain, her misery, it never seemed to stop. And to top everything off, she just had to be placed into the same room as, of course, Larisa. She did not want Larisa knowing. Megan thought of her as a mother. Since she did not have a mother of her own. She did not want her to look at Megan differently for trying to off herself. She did not want to disappoint her “mother”.

Megan looked over at Larisa and was glad that she was a sleep. She really was not in a mood to talk. To anyone, really. And in a way, she really did not feel like any visitors and hoped that no one (especially her family) dropped by to see her. She stared up at the tv that was on mute and sighed. News. Probably bad. The news always was bad. She sighed and looked towards the window. Why was she still here? And who would even miss her if she were gone? She looked down at her bandaged wrists. She had cut both of them, thought that that might kill her faster if she did happen to survive the jump from the roof. She began picking at the bandage on her left wrist until it was completely off. And then she looked down at her stitches. A part of her wanted them out, wanted to make herself bleed. She ran a finger over them, thinking what she could do to start bleeding again, but did nothing to make that happen yet.

[JJ Yorke]

Of all the stupid, selfish things a person could do, suicide was the worst. JJ had been raised with this thinking, compliments of the woman who gave birth to him. Whenever they heard about a person committing suicide, his mom would say that the person who did it was selfish. They did it to make other people feel bad. She would never forgive someone who did that, and she would never go to a suicide's funeral. And JJ was a spitting image of his mom.

The attempted suicide of his girlfriend was no different. When JJ read that email, he was so mad, he threw the laptop he had been using. The computer's screen was busted, and when he stood there, staring at it, his temper flared and he kicked it, finishing it off. It wasn't his laptop, anyways. He had taken it from a nerd at school. He wanted to yell at Megan, call her a bitch. But he knew that leaving a voicemail or texting would do no good. She was in the hospital. And if he visited her, it would be far more than she deserved.

He wanted to get away. And with his mom in the hospital, he decided that going and sitting with her and waiting for her to wake up was just what he needed. He didn't have his motorcycle anymore, so he decided to go old school--on his skateboard. It gave him time to think and relax. And by the time he got to her room, had all but put Megan out of his mind for the time being. And then he made a discovery that he really didn't want to make.

She was in the fucking room with his mom.

JJ froze in his tracks. He stared at his girlfriend. It was all he could do to keep from glaring. He didn't say a word. She was always claiming that she didn't want to talk, anyways. He simply walked right past her and went to his mother's bed. He pulled up a chair and sat between her and the wall, as far away from the selfish bitch as he could be. He took the sleeping woman's hand and kissed it. All that mattered right now was his mom. She wasn't selfish.

[Megan Julia Del Rossi]

Megan was not trying to be selfish. Everyone was just messing with her emotions. And she was depressed. Depression plus pregnancy was not a good combination. There was so many people that she loved. She knew how to love. But for some reason, she had the hardest time feeling others love towards herself. But how could she exactly say that? What was wrong with her? She was so sure that something was wrong with her? Did her father do this to her? Would she always be incapable of feeling loved? Or was she just scared and was afraid to let love in? Megan just did not know anymore. The truth was, Megan did want to talk. She needed to talk. But she just could not find her voice to do so. She was afraid to talk, afraid of what others would say if they learned the truth. If they knew that it was entirely her fault that Jack tried to kill her. She was being noisy. He did not like that. No one knew of that little detail, however. Not even Mallory. So she acted like she did not want to talk, but she did. She just did not know how to. How to talk about everything. She was so scared that people would think it was her own fault. So she decided it was better not to talk.

He walked into the room. He seemed to be ignoring the fact that she was there. And could she really blame him? If she were him, she wouldn't want to talk to her either. Why did JJ want to be with her? Why could she not feel how much he really cared for her? Was something seriously wrong with Megan? She was even scaring herself, but she was too scared to talk about how she was feeling. She watched him sit away from her, by his mother. She knew that everything she did was the wrong thing. She was wrong, stupid. So stupid. 'Why do you even love me?' She thought to herself, shaking her head slightly, looking back towards the window.

Tears were beginning to fill her eyes, but she quickly wiped them away before they were able to escape. She felt messed up. She needed someone to help her, show her. But she was afraid, afraid to talk, afraid to ask. She felt screwed up, fucked up. She was broken, damaged goods. She looked down at the wrist she had just unbandaged a few minutes prior and traced her fingers over her stitches. She never thought about how this would affect her friends, her family. Maybe she was being selfish. Maybe that was all she would ever be. She did not want to be that way. And she did not want JJ to hate her. Even after all the shit that had gone done that year, she knew JJ. Knew JJ from back before she left her father. And she always cared for him. She just never admitted it. And now, she was so scared, scared that JJ might possibly hate her, might not forgive her for this. She swallowed and looked down at the ground. If she could not talk to her family, or even anyone else for that matter, maybe she should at least talk to her boyfriend. She was trying so hard not to cry. Her lip always seemed to quiver when she tried not to cry. Ever since she was a little girl. She had been trying so hard not to talk about it. If she told JJ what had really happened that night, what would he say? She was terrified. She did not want her to think it was her own fault. And then there was her father. How she was terrified of being just like her dad. “I'm ready.” she spoke, softly, looking over to JJ. “I can't talk to anyone else. But I can't do this anymore. Avoiding the problem is destroying me here. I need to talk about this.”

[JJ Yorke]

And they say guys can't take a hint. JJ shook his head. "Talk to a shrink," he growled. He didn't want to hear it. He was hurt. He wanted to grab her, shake her, cry and yell. He wanted to demand to know what she had been thinking. But part of him was also afraid to know. He refused to face his fears, though, or even think about them. He stood up, began to pace in front of his mother's bed. "You said you wanted to be with me, damn it. I fucking thought it was a chance to start something. Start what? Your death?!

[/i]" JJ reached over, punching a metal container of tongue suppressors, spilling them on the floor. He then stormed over to Megan's bed and grabbed her arm, pulling her closer to him.

"Every girl I have ever tried to give my heart to has fucked me over. I am not going to let you break my heart any more. You knock this shit off or don't bother coming by because I won't fucking answer the door." he let go and shook his head. "Shut up, Megan. Before you make me say something I regret. Just shut up. Find someone else to talk to because I'm not a good listener." He couldn't describe the pain he was feeling right now. And would she even care? After all, she caused it.[/blockquote]

[Megan Julia Del Rossi]

This was not very easy for Megan to deal with. What was she suppose to tell him? The truth? Would he agree that it was true? She feared that everything was true. She bit down on her bottom lip, hard, when JJ grabbed her left arm and pulled her closer to him. Her eyes widened. Tears filled her eyes, threatening to fall. She never meant to hurt him. But how could she tell him the truth? Would he even understand? Megan was terrified. And she was afraid to speak her fears out loud because then it would become real. Because she constantly thought about that day, at JJ's home. The day where she had made JJ suffer for what he had done to her brother. It was that day when this fear began. What if she was just like her father? After all, if she could do that to JJ, then she could do anything. Was capable of anything. She was scared. Scared that she would hurt him again. Like those times that her daddy had hurt her mommy. She didn't want tio hurt JJ. She never felt this strongly about a guy before. And then there was her unborn child. If she was really like her father, then she would only cause her son or daughter pain. She did not want that. She could not let that happen. She never told a single person about this fear, either.

“Say whatever you want.” Megan spoke in a louder tone than she had used before. “I deserve it, okay? I'm selfish, right? But I don't mean anything by it. I don't think...” Should she go ahead and tell him the truth? Would he understand? Or would he just think that she was being a stupid child? “Don't you understand? Maybe you believed that you deserved to be punished when I beat the shit out of you. You just can't see the truth.” She shook her head and sat all the way up in her bed. “If I can do that, I am capable of anything. I refuse to be my father, JJ. I don't want to hurt you, to hurt my baby. I don't expect you to understand that fear. Your parents are perfect. But believe me when I say that I never meant to cause you pain by my selfishness.”

[JJ Yorke]

JJ let go of her arm, backing up. He folded his arms. He didn't like feeling this way. And somehow, he knew that he was to blame. Megan hated him. She would have never have beaten him if he didn't deserve it. And if he had never fought Matt, he wouldn't have deserved it. You will never be a good boyfriend. He had Charlie's voice in his head. It was the last thing she had said to him. That was after he told her he couldn't date her long-distance without cheating. Maybe it was harsh. But it was the truth. And yeah, they were married, like she was constantly reminding him. But married couples didn't live in two different cities. But who cared? JJ had learned that no matter what, he was always wrong. Well, not this time!

He paced and finally turned to face her. ''You think I don't know what it's like to feel dangerous? You'd know if you came to me. You could have talked to me. I am your boyfriend. What, you don't trust me? You think I won't listen? What else am I here for?'' he sighed. Part of him was saying to face the facts. She didn't really love him. She was dragging his heart through the mud. This was all an act of revenge. But then there's the side that was telling him to stop worrying. She wanted him. It was just that he couldn't figure out which part to listen to. He clenched his fists and shook his head. ''Forget it. Forget I said anything at all.'' He stared out the window, his head spinning. He had no idea how to handle this. And he was pretty sure he was handling it all wrong.

[Megan Julia Del Rossi]

How could he ever really understand? Did any of JJ's girlfriends try and kill him? Megan was not use to actually having a boyfriend. Talk? Trust? What was he talking about? It actually confused Megan. Jack had been her first boyfriend, last boyfriend. Sure, she had experience with sex. But you don't have to love or whatever when it came to sex, to one-night stands. It was not really that she did not trust anyone else. It was the fact that she just did not trust herself. How could she? Her judgment absolutely sucked. Jack is proof of that. She had trusted the Australian boy; Huge mistake. She should have listened to her family. But she never did. And because of that, she had almost got herself killed. Maybe that would have been better for everyone.

Relationships... It was all new to Megan. She did not know how to be a good girlfriend. She needed someone to show her what to do, to say. She just no longer believed in herself anymore. How could she? Jack, Jonathon, both men shattered what little confidence that she had left. And she knew that she should have probably gone to JJ. But the truth was she was scared. Scared of hurting him, of disappointing him. She didn't want him to figure out just how messed up she was and have him dump her. She couldn't take another heartache. She didn't know what to say to him now, though. At this point in time.

The girls bottom lip quivered slightly. She was trying so hard to not start crying. But that was all she did lately. "Do you think I'm stupid?" she suddenly asked out of nowhere. Isn't that what everyone thought of her now? Just some stupid little child? It sometimes felt like that. Even with her own family at times. But wasn't that exactly what she was? Stupid. Naïve. God! Why did everything have to be so damn complicated?! She pulled the blanket off and slowly got to her feet. She almost fell, only to catch her balance and held onto the end table as to not fall. "I'm sorry. I am stupid. I just..." She swallowed, looking away. She shook her head, sadly. "It's my own fault. I was so stupid to go to that prison. I shouldn't have. But I thought it was the only way to move on." Inside of you. Always inside of you. Why wouldn't those words just fucking leave her mind already? "My father, Matthew, Jonathon, Jack... What if I'm just like them?" She turned to face JJ with tear filled eyes. "I'm sorry I'm such a bad girlfriend. I've never really done this before. I guess I'm just doing everything wrong." She looked down at the left wrist that she had unbandaged. Biting her lip, she started unbandaging the right one. "This... I'm just so messed up. I'm dangerous." She looked back up, dropped the bandage to the floor. "He will always be inside of me, JJ. Always. Jonathon said so. And he keeps a photo of me there. He's showing people probably. What if I'm in danger? What if he gets out? I don't want to die, but I refuse to die at the hands of someone else. And i dont want you to get hurt because of me."

[JJ Yorke]

She just didn't get it. JJ was the reckless one. He was the one who was careless and never had a care in the world. He wasn't used to having to worry about anyone. He never had a reason to worry about any of his old girlfriends. He wasn't even serious about any of them until Charlie. He was more serious about his affairs than anything. But now he had to worry. Suicide was nothing to mess with. And sure, he knew that Megan had skeletons in her closet. Usually, he wouldn't have anything to do with someone who had baggage. But she was different. He wanted to fix it all for her.

But he never thought she would be suicidal. How was he supposed to fix that? Not even his mom knew how to fix someone who wanted to die. So how was he supposed to do it? JJ felt very vulnerable. He wasn't used to being at a loss, not knowing what to say or even think.

She had asked him if he thought she was stupid. Was her suicidal thoughts hinging On his answer? What if he said the wrong thing? God, he wasn't ready for this. To be responsible for her death. It made him want to be somewhere else, anywhere but here. He knew one thing. He was going to party hard tonight. He thought of Jay's favorite saying. Jay always knew how to joke and make light of situations. JJ used to. Maybe he still could. With a scoff, he answered her "I don't date stupid girls." Perfect, except out sounded half hearted. Anybody could tell that he was upset. Upset and scared all wrapped up onto one teenage boy.