addiction is never a good thing (JJ)

Babies crying. People arguing. Telephones ringing. Without his mother, it was pure insanity. I'll be home soon, she said. Every time he talked to her, or visited her in the hospital, she said it. Don't worry about me. I'm a trooper. That old Sniper would have to do a lot worse to me than this. But he did worry. Someone had hurt her. And what was worse, it was revenge. There had been a sign nailed to her stomach; You Reap What You Sow. Who had sowed it? Him? JJ knew that he had done a lot of awful things in his life. He was a bully, mostly, but he also got into rivalries. Had he done something to the Sniper? He didn't even know who the Sniper was. But there was a good chance he could be some nerdy punk whose lack of social life drove him to murder. Oh, god. What if he had shoved the kid into a locker too many times? Or knocked his books out of his hands? What if all of this was his fault?

He left the house, taking off on his motorcycle. He didn't know where he was going. But he couldn't take this. He had been dealing with Derek and Charlie leaving. Not really well, but he had been dealing. But this--this was his mommy. His mama. This, he couldn't deal with. So he got on his cycle, and went for a drive. Tears were forming in his eyes as he thought about his mother in that hospital bed. Before he knew it, he was across town, and he saw someone. Someone he recognized. Someone he really shouldn't be messing with. Marissa Manning.

She was the first girl he ever loved. First girl who could ever make him want to be more than just that guy you saw in the ravine. First girl to ever break his heart. But, she wasn't the last. And he knew she was going through some pretty bad shit, too. Her mom had been murdered by the same asshole who had his mom in a hospital bed. They had that in common. Though, she probably didn't know about his mom. Still, he decided that they shared a kind of bond. And why not pull over?

He pulled to the side, before picking up the extra helmet. "Want a ride?" he called to her, holding it out to her. Why not? He wasn't with Charlie anymore. He couldn't keep track of whether or not she was with Matt, but he didn't care, either. He didn't want to be alone. And at least with Marissa, he could talk to her. Maybe more. He didn't know.

JJ swallowed, watching her put the helmet on. Marissa was the one that got away. Honestly, the first thing that he had thought when he discovered that Charlie was gone was that Marissa wouldn't have done it. Marissa would have at least come to say goodbye. Maybe that was the wrong thing to think of, but he couldn't help it. The brunette had left a lasting impression on him. He thought that this would never happen again. That the two would always hate each other. But now, she was taking a ride from him. And he knew just where to take her.

"Hold on tight." His voice was shaky, it had a catch in it. He hoped she didn't take notice. He was a man, he wasn't supposed to be crying over mommy. But it wasn't that cut and dry. His mother and him always had a close relationship. She always said that he was her special boy. That was why, when she started taking in kids off the street, he got jealous. He didn't want anyone else taking her affections. But even now, with his mother in the ICU, tubes in her stomach and machines connected to her, he didn't care anymore. She could take in a thousand kids. He just wanted his mother back home.

Without warning, he left Toronto. Hell, he left Canada altogether. It took him about a half hour, but he ended up in the middle of the woods. There was a cabin out by the river. The only person he had ever brought here was Charlie. Well, Marissa made number two. When he finally brought the cycle to a stop, he took off his helmet. "I thought you could use a break from everything." he explained to her. "I mean, I could take you back if you want me too. We'd have to get gas, though, I'm almost on empty" he swallowed and looked down, kicking at a rock. "I don't blame you if you don't trust me. I wouldn't be here with me, either." He put his helmet on the handlebar and pulled out the key to the cabin, in case she didn't mind staying. "There's food. And a full liqiuor cabinet"

That honestly wasn't the answer he was expecting. Why should she want to be there with him? But, apparently, she did. A smile crept on his face. "Good. Cause I wouldn't want to be here with anyone else." And it was true. With that, he went to the door and unlocked it. He stood in the doorway, staring ahead, before he looked down at her. "Mom's in the hospital. Sniper got her. She says she'll be fine, but..." but he didn't know that she would be. He knew his mom was tough, always had been. He'd seen her scare off the worst of the worst. But he also knew that she was put through a lot. He hoped she'd survive, but he didn't know. Marissa's mom didn't.

He sighed. "What if I'll always be a bully? What if I'm the guy that pushes people into doing things like this? I don't wanna be that guy. I mean...it could be your fault that your mom was killed." He was scared, naturally. JJ didn't know if he was capable of changing. He had been like that for so long. Would he ever be different? He had been raped and beaten, and he was still hurting others. What could be done about it? He had no clue. But he knew something needed to change. This couldn't happen. If this was his fault, JJ was going to hate himself for a long time.

JJ looked down at her, a solitary tear going down his cheek. He listened to her and shook his head. "You never lost me, Marissa. Why do you think I couldn't stay faithful to Chuck? Cause I knew who I belonged with. You're the only one I was ever able to stay faithful to, Marissa. I could never cheat on you, because for some reason, no matter how hard I fought it, I was always going to belong to you. You made me a better person. If I ever had a chance at being saved, it was with you. But now, I guess it's too late for that." he looked down. "After all, why would you be with me when you can be with him?" Matt was always better for her, he knew. Of course, JJ didn't know about all the problems they had.

Going inside, he sat on the couch, setting the keys on the coffee table. "You know I think about the day we broke up every day? And I think about how I could have done it differently. We didn't have to break up. And when I did what I did to you--I deserved to have the shit beaten out of me for that. I can't believe I ever did that. I would not blame you if you had gotten revenge on me, you know. Taught me a lesson. I sure as hell could have used it" he slumped back, resting his hand on a nearby cushion. "And if you had died, then I wouldn't have a reason to live. I'd be following you." he sighed and looked up at her. "Wanna sit down?"

He looked at her. Matt had hurt her? Oh, he was going to kick his ass. His jaw tightened as he listened to her. Matt didn't treat her right. Not if she thought all that about herself. He didn't understand it. How could you have someone like Marissa and not treat her well? She was good and kind to everyone. She had an air of innocence about her. She never treated anyone like they were lower than dirt. So how could he treat her like that? "You're gorgeous," he corrected her, and she was. Even in her christian duds with her little Bible. She would always be gorgeous, too.

JJ closed his eyes. She hadn't sat down. She probably didn't feel comfortable. Clearing his throat, he finally began to speak, keeping his eyes closed as he drew up the words from so long ago. "those eyes so gentle, those lips so kind., that hair so smooth, that smile so shy. She's so outgoing, but shies from me. I can't help but be intrigued. I want her to hold me tight, to say she loves me
all through the night. I'll do anything to grab her attention because I get this tingly sensation every time I think of her love within, and my heart jumps, this may be a sin, but I cannot help how I feel, and I want my fantasies to become real. " He paused, opening his eyes again. "I was never really a good writer. But I don't think you even knew I wrote that. It was a week before we started dating. And it still holds true, Marissa."

JJ looked at her, so close to him. So sad, yet so beautiful. He heard her compliment his poem and smiled. "you're beautiful." Biting his lip, he turned so he was laying on the couch, extending his arms. "Come here." his voice wasn't harsh, or demanding. It was more of a request. He wanted to hold her, like he used to. She made him feel sane again. Honestly, Marissa was the only one who ever had. Charlie never did. After what Megan had done to him, Charlie had sided with her. She was even judgmental when it came to the pictures. And, she never gave him a chance to tell her that he had been raped. She assumed he had cheated. That hurt more than he cared to admit. Sure, he had hurt Charlie quite a bit in their relationship, but she always had a way to hurt him right back. Even after they were married. And really, he hadn't wanted to. She had pushed him into it. She wanted to be whisked away by the romance of it all. Was it bad, for him to not be ready for it? That he just wanted to date, to explore the world before settling down? He didn't know. She acted like it was.

She asked for a drink. "Alcohol messes with you. I just want to spend time with you. Sober you." He bit his lip. "Marissa? If I told you something, would you promise not to laugh?" Marissa would believe him, wouldn't she? Had it been her, he was pretty sure it would have been completely different. Charlie was always playing games, her and her sister. She never really trusted him, she just pretended to. So, how could she have really loved him? That was his theory, anyways. And, he was about to test it.

JJ watched her and sighed. How could he blame her? After everything he had done to her that year? Purposely trying to make Matt jealous? Trying to break them up? And what about what he did to her in the washroom? JJ knew that wasn't something anyone should just forgive. She shouldn't even be in here with him. So why was she? Was there hope? Could he be forgiven? He decided that what he was going to tell her, that it could wait. He had something else she needed to hear. Something he had been trying to muster up the courage to tell her since that day when he stabbed Matt.

"Ok. Here goes. I've been doing a lot of thinking. As it turns out, I'm capable of it," he joked with a nervous chuckle. "I don't deserve to be forgiven for anything I've done to you. I'm not an idiot, nobody should ever get away with hurting you like that. But....you know, my mom kicked my ass for the way I hurt you. And, so did Megan. Actually, never mind. hers was for stabbing Matt." he sighed. "I want to make things right with you. And, if anyone ever did that to Jenna, I'd do the same thing to them, or tie them up so she could. So..." he exhaled. "If you need to, you can. Do everything I did to you. The belt, the soap...everything." he looked up at her. "I'll even take the belt off that I'm wearing, and you can use it on me." he swallowed. "I want you to be able to be near me again, Marissa. I want to earn your trust back. And I think I should be punished for what I did before that can happen."