holding on::marissa

Was Shayne the only one who cared about her at all? Her father was too busy with his rock star lifestyle. Her twin was in a coma. Both her mother and sister were dead because of her. So her little brother should have every damn right to hate her. His twin, his mother, were gone all because of her. She could not bring herself to even look at her little brother. She never meant to make him feel like he did not matter. She thought that she was protecting him. Marissa did not want to cause him anymore pain. She loved him too much. She was so scared to hurt him more than he was already hurting and at the same time she was terrified of yet another person rejecting her. He was just a kid, though. He did not deserve this. She deserved to feel pain, but never him. It was not fair.

Taking the short cut home, walking through a dark alley that night, she pulled the bottle of vodka from her bag and sighed. Maybe this was her only friend now. Maybe nothing mattered anymore. Maybe she didn’t matter anymore. Opening up the bottle, she took a long drink from it. Finally, at eight o’clock at night, she was standing in front of the entrance to the hotel as she downed the last bit of vodka and threw it to the ground, watching as the glass shattered. She walked inside and headed towards the elevator and up to their floor. She got off as she pulled out her key and opened the door to the hotel room. First thing she did was walk to the bathroom and brush her teeth and splashed cold water on her face. She felt the urge to cry but tried to keep it in. She had spent too much time earlier that day in tears. She felt tired and completely cried out. Walking out of the bathroom, she set her purse and her jacket on the couch and headed towards her room. But she stopped as soon as she saw Craig, her eye narrowing. She had tried avoiding her brother to protect him. Just like she was trying to avoid her boyfriend. She quickly snatched the bottle from his hands. “What the hell are you doing in MY room??”

Marissa did not realize that she was hurting him more rather than protecting him. She turned away from him before punching the wall, not even caring that she ended up putting a hole in the wall. She was an idiot, simple as that. Craig was using language that he had never used before. “You’re right. About everything.” She suddenly heard herself saying. But it sounded so far away. Who was this person that was even talking? It couldn’t be her. Marissa was not some broken girl. And when she finally did turn back around to face her brother, she had tears glistening in her own eyes. “You don’t-you don’t understand. I am trying so hard to protect her. And-I’ve become a bad sister. I-I break everything I touch.”

Marissa swallowed hard as tears started streaming down her face. She turned away and walked towards her bedroom door. “You should hate me. I didn’t want to cause you any more pain. You’re a child and a child needs his mother. And-and I took her away from you. Mama’s dead because of me and you should finally know the truth.” Truthfully, Marissa was not even sure if he knew the entire story. “She died saving my life. I should be dead. And you should hate me. I was selfish and hateful. I was supposed to protect my family…for mama. And I failed her. I let Bethany…d-die…They would both be alive if he had killed me. You need them more. More than you will ever need me.” She wiped her eyes. “You should stay away from me, before I get you hurt too. Staying away is how I am protecting you.” She whispered and walked out of the bedroom. She sat down on the couch in the living room, bringing her knees up to her chest and hugging them tightly before allowing herself to actually start sobbing.

Marissa did not understand. Shouldn’t Craig hate her? She was a horrible daughter and sister. She could not do anything right. She hated crying. She had not cried like this in so long and it made her feel weak, vulnerable. Wasn’t Marissa supposed to be brave? This was too much to handle. No, had to stop. She swallowed and shook her head, pulling away. “Listen, why don’t I make you dinner. Your favorite. I could make you some pot roast, mashed potatoes. What do you say?” Well, it was meat. At least she had an excuse on why she won’t be eating. Because of course Marissa never eats meat. Perfect. Marissa really just wanted to get her mind off of some things. She did not want to cry. She wanted, needed, to be strong here.

Marissa ignored the fact that her stomach was growling. She ignored the fact that she felt so weak. All she wanted to do was to take care of her brother, to make sure that he was cared for and healthy. “Things will change. I promise.” She spoke as she headed toward the kitchen. She used to love cooking meals for her family. Not because she had to. She volunteered. She used to enjoy it in fact. But this was something that she had not done since their parents split. She started getting everything prepared to cook. And put the pot roast in the oven.

As she prepared dinner for her brother, she stayed very quiet. She was never one to talk a whole lot while cooking. Once dinner was done, she made a plate for Craig and poured him a glass of juice before setting it down on the table. “Come on. Come eat.” She sat down in the opposite chair. “You should not have to worry about me, okay. I may need someone. But you’re the child here. You need someone more. I’m here.”

Marissa knew that she should make that deal. But she did not need discipline or punishment. She did not need structure. But she DID need to be a mother to her brother now. Staying quiet, Marissa walked to the counter behind her brother with the glass of juice in hand. She pulled the tiny bottle of vodka from her jacket pocket and poured it into the glass of juice and shoving the bottle back into her pocket, trying not to let her brother see that. She was the adult here now. He needed her. She did not want to disappoint him. Marissa had to replace her mom now, but could she really do that? And she was not about to give up drinking either. She needed it. She needed to feel completely numb on the inside and the outside. She did not want to feel. She just wanted all of her pain to go away. Marissa took a drink and instantly began to feel herself calm down.

“I tried to save her, you know.” Marissa suddenly spoke. “Can’t you understand why I didn’t go to the funeral? I felt so guilty, Craig. And I watched as she slowly died. And I couldn’t stop it. I couldn’t.” Marissa grabbed the glass and walked over to the table and sat back down. “You should eat, though. No more room service. I’ll cook for you. Just like mama would. I remember how mama began to teach me how to cook some of her recipes. I was just 7 years old. I was so excited. It was so wonderful to be doing that with MY mommy. And I can’t believe that that will never happen again. God, I had wanted to be just like her. But now I know I will never be. But I can try. For you, Craigey.”