never walk away

Marissa was still pretty sore. She really just wanted to stay home. Mainly Cause she was afraid that she might run into JJ. She really cared for him, and for Matt too. And she felt like her heart was completely shattering. And it was just too painful for her to bare. She felt like she was drowning, like she could not breath. And nobody really seemed to care. What was she suppose to do? She has to day those things to JJ. To get him to move on. Her heart shattered as she said those words, but she was still So scared. He hurt her in So many says. He broke her heart and her spirit. He has helped her to lose all self-confidence in herself.

Matt was doing enough damage all on his own. But he was in a wheelchair now and that was entirely her fault. She needed to do anything that he wanted. She would not say no, to anything. She figures that she owes him her own life for the pain she caused him. He could tell her to jump and Marissa would ask how high. Her confidence has really taken a nose dive. She has begun hurting herself more, mentally and physically. She was refusing to eat. She wanted to be perfect and believed that she deserved to be punished for not keeping up her perfection.

Why couldn't she be perfect? Like those models in magazines. They were So beautiful. More than she would ever be. She didn't deserve a guy like JJ or even Matt. She deserved to be alone for the rest of her life.

Marissa hated wearing this stupid brace. But what could she do? She fractured her shoulder. And her ribs still hurt something awful. She sighed and took the long walk to school. She just needed some time to herself. She walked into the building and stopped off at her locker. And Then she headed off to her first hour class.

Though, what happened during the announcements, that was not something that she would have expected. She looked at the tv and Then she began hearing 'Call Me Maybe' from her phone. She has meant to put it on silent, but she just have forgotten. She could not get herself to pick up, though, as tears began to form in her eyes. She just let it go to voicemail.

Her eyes started to fill up with tears. No one ever did that for her. And no one ever apologized for hurting her. She did not know what to make of it. What to do. What to say. The girls head was spinning. She felt like she needed some air. And a part of her was also embarrassed. And Then there was Matt. Wasn't he at school today? What would he thinking of it? Would he confront her? Would he fight JJ? This was not good. But at the same time, it was perfect.

Grabbing her phone and her purse, she left behind her school books and ran out of the classroom. She ran So quickly down the hall, not realizing her untied shoelace, that she ended up tripping. Only to cry out in pain. She was still So bruised from the accident. The contents of her purse fell out and into the floor. Her razor-blade, a picture of her and Matt, when they use to love one another. And Then there was the picture of her and JJ, back when they once dated, when things were simple. She has completely forgotten that photo was even in her purse.

She picked the photo up with the hand that did not have An arm in a brace. She shook her head, quickly shoved her belongings back into her purse and gotten up, slowly, her knees shaking. What was she suppose to do? Go find JJ? Or what? Marissa was not sure. But she felt almost frozen in place.

Her head was completely spinning. With what JJ just did and all, in front of the entire school. She has a boyfriend. Matt was her boyfriend, the boy she loved. Not JJ. JJ hurt her, broke her heart, destroyed her. But isn't that the exact same thing that Matt was now doing to her? She wasn't sure of anything anymore. Maybe any other day, Marissa would have noticed him slip the razor in his pocket. But not today. Today, her emotions were running high. When Shayne said that he would tie her shoe, she thought that was rather sweet of him. She has begin to wondered if that was even possible anymore. If there were such a thing as a sweet guy. What who anyone expect? Her confidence has been shattered by the men in her life this past school year.

"Thank you. That is v-very nice of you." Marissa spoke in a soft whisper, her voice shaking ever so slighty. She wore baggy clothes and long sleeves. Had to wear long sleeves. In order to hide her own scars. She was still rather pale and still scarey thin, deadly thin. Everyone who went to that school and knew her, even if only spoken to for just a few moments, would know that this was not her. She had once talk to Shayne, on her own. She could not remember when. It was the end of last school year maybe. But that was when she was into all of that religious crap. When she would go up to any students in this school. But this was now.

"I-I-uhm-was in a motorcycle accident. A-a h-hit and run. My own fault. I'm a t-terrible driver." Stuttering. That was definetely not her. She never used to stutter. She used to be So confident, held her head up high, would never allow anyone (not even family) to bring her down. Well, apparently nothing remains the same forever. But she was not about to bring anyone down with her. She forced herself to not cry and forced a smile on her face. A fake smile. Not genuine. Never. Never more. Marissa did not know how to be happy anymore. "B-but I'm o-okay. Really, I am. You don't have to stick a-around." Nobody ever does.

Pick a place. Why wouldn't he just let her be alone? The two had hardly talked since school had started back up after Summer break. She was so sure that Shayne had forgotten about her. Her eyes filled up with tears as she looked up at Shayne. “I-I'm sorry. So sorry.” Though, she had no idea why she was even apologizing. She always apologized. Even when she has no reason to do so. “We-we can-can go up? To the r-roof?” she stuttered, quietly. “Shayne...” she whimpered. “I-I really need a friend.” Tears began to fall freely down her face. She could feel her entire body trembling.

She swallowed, and looked down at the ground. She did not move. Not one inch. She was waiting for him. For him to lead the way, to tell her to follow. She was feeling as though she should just do whatever guys told her to do. She did not know what else to say. She did not want to do or say anything stupid.

This past year, Marissa had felt as though she had lost everything. Everything that she had ever cared about. JJ, her mother, sister, twin, Matt. She was so sure that Shayne did not want to be her friend. She was so sure that was the reason the two had stopped hanging out. Everybody always ends up leaving. Right? She had lost so much and felt like she had no friends. No one that she could really talk to. It was good knowing that Shayne still thought of her. That was something that she really needed. She grabbed onto the cake pop and looked up at him. “Thank you. That's sweet.” But she knew that she would not end up eating it. Considering being anorexic. “I-I will save it for later.”

Marissa walked beside him, staring down at her feet as she walked. “I was? You really mean that? I could never be scared of you, Shayne. I hope you are not scared of me either. I'm not the same girl that I use to be. You know? I've changed. And not in a good way.” They headed towards the door leading up to the roof and she looked back to him. “I just have to know... why would you want to even be friends with a fucked up girl like myself?”

No one could possibly understand what she was going through right about now. Matt had every right to hate her. Her fault. All of it. She believed that. She wanted to be punished for it. Needed to be punished for it. If Shayne knew the truth... he would hate her,. Everyone would hate her if they knew who Marissa really was. She had been taken by surprise when Shayne had kissed her. No, this could not happen. She belonged to Matt. She did not deserve him. She did not deserve anybody. She could not let this happen to Shayne. She would not mess his entire life up. She did not want to screw him over.

Though, she did not push away, she back away when Shayne had pulled away. She shook her head, taking yet another step away from the older boy. “No.. Y-you can't. Just-d-don't. Okay?” she stuttered out. “I-I have Matt. He's my boyfriend Shayne. I love him. He may NOT love me anymore. He may blame me for everything. But I love him. I can't just leave him hurt and angry. I can't. I won't.” Marissa turned away and walked over towards the edge of the roof, looking down at the ground. And she finally allowed herself to cry freely. “I don't deserve him... I don't deserve anyone. You would be better off if you just stayed away from me, Shayne.”

Marissa did not want to believe anything bad about Matt. She couldn't. Matt was... perfect. It was her that was the problem. She was far from being perfect. Matt deserved so much better than herself. Why did he ever love her? Why did he ever ask her to marry him? She didn't deserve to be happy. What she deserved was to be miserable. She deserved to suffer, to be in pain. And that was exactly what she was putting herself through right now. And when Shayne kissed her, when she didn't prevent that... It was just one of the many reasons why she should be punished. Shayne and Matt were best friends as far as Marissa knew. And Matt was Marissa's boyfriend. This was very bad.

Swallowing, Marissa turned to look at Shayne, tears in her eyes. “No. Stop. Stop lying.” He was lying. He had to be! There was nothing wrong with him. It was all her. Everything was wrong with her. That was what she had strongly believed. Her relationship had gotten to the point of being unhealthy for Marissa, almost destructive. Everyday, it just seemed to get worse. Matt was going to end up being the death of her. Deep down, Marissa knew this. She just did not care. If Scott were here, he could have talked some sense into her. She always listened to him. Always. She was the closest to him, more than anyone else in this world. But he was gone, lost in his own mind. In a coma, at the hospital. Marissa felt completely lost without her twin, her other half.

Marissa ended up turning away and sat down on the ledge, her feet dangling over the edge of the roof. She had convinced herself that everything that anyone said about Matt that was bad was untrue. Even if they were true. The girl tugged on the edge of her sleeve and shook her head. “Just stop talking, Shayne.” Maybe Shayne was only saying these horrible things about Matt because he was jealous. Yeah, that was it. Because Marissa was with Matt, could never be with Shayne. He did kiss her. And he did not say anything bad until she told him to stop. Yeah, had to be jealous. She pulled out a water bottle from her bag that actually contained Vodka and took a drink. “You're just jealous. Because I belong to Matt. Because I will never belong to you. Jealousy is not a pretty thing, Shayne.”